April 19, 2008
The past rubbed shoulders with the present, 17:20
Dear xgf,
So, is she the one who has given you a realistic relationship? The one who insisted that she's straight but admitted she found you attractive when we were still together? The one, simply, you dumped me for but were too chicken shit to use that as a reason.
I hope you are really happy now with your realistic relationship, whoever with. You self-righteous arsehole.
From the stranger now.
xxx
Dear you,
I tried so hard to avoid you because I didn't want to reconcile who you are with who you were. I went quite out of my way to avoid that potentially traumatic experience.
It was only a glance. Neither you nor she saw me. But I saw you alright.
And I need someone to tell me, to assure me that what I have, what I know of you will always, always be mine exclusively. Noone will ever, ever see the same sparkle in your eyes as I have seen. No one will ever, ever have the little notes, little gestures of affection that we once shared.
I don't want to care about who you are now. Because you have given up, rejected me, kept me away from you, intentionally.
But I need someone to tell me noone can take you away from me. The 'you' that I know.
From your once QAD.
xxx
Dear me,
Life and the world didn't get more fucked up, neither did it get more beautiful. That's how I realised how much time and how much life has passed by without my actual realising it. And I grew even more ironically aware that my affair with the past is so very divorced with the present.
I always was aware that all my desires, my choices about who I want to be root back to my self-indulgent affair with the past. Reality is but a surreal feeling, where it's more important not to be deluded and ought be adequately filled with entertainment and engagements so that the past doesn't get a chance to infiltrate. That's all there is.
So much time has passed with such a dearth of feelings.
Do not give me any more advice, or attempts of help. I'm not unaware; I'm fully aware. But I've made a choice you didn't want me to make.
But it's my surreally half screwed life. In a way, I'm loving it. Try to respect that.
I can't wait to know my dream tonight.
From self.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:15